My pathetic attempts at picking up the pen. Again.
Nature is my reason to keep living
The endless clouds provide my escape
In the forest I find my harmony
I see hope in every rippling brook
I find hope in every grain of sand
And when the darkness falls
I find reason in the stars to face the sun
These are random lyrics to provoke thought and hope.
My legs are on fire. My jeans hold in the heat and melt to my limbs. The sharp, burning sensation is soothing because it reminds me I am still conscious enough to feel; but it is a curse because I cannot extinguish the fire. The burn is in my abdomen now, I feel blisters forming and I can smell the burning flesh. My burning flesh. The polyester fabric melds with my skin as the fire moves upwards; soon it will reach my heart and I will probably die.
I hear screaming but I see no other beings around. I see only flames. I hear the torment of souls but I cannot see any other around me. I cry out to others, but hear only screeching in return. I feel alone.
Many would say in this moment that they want to die. I do not wish to die because of this pain or this loneliness. Perhaps I do not wish to die because I am already dead. I am not pleading with God to take it away. Perhaps I am not begging God because I never believed He existed until now. I do know that I deserve this.
I deserve this because I never believed in the One who took on this agony for all of humanity. I realize now that was a stupid decision.
Growing up, I never thought I would ever enjoy going to church. As I aged, I never thought I would befriend a pastor. When I was a kid, I never thought I would spend more time with a family other than my own.
I thought wrong.
I’d like to share a story about a family that God placed in my life (and in the lives of many others around me) who proved to me that all of those things can happen.
While I love my former pastor and his wife very much, I have found a friendship and a fellowship with my current pastor and his wife that I thought only happened to other people. The first time I met them was on a weekend about a year ago when they were candidating at our church. I felt drawn to them so much that I cried when they left to go back home. In August, my pastor came back by himself to go on a mission trip with our youth group. During that week, we had adult-youth one-on-ones and I ended up with my pastor as my partner. That week I learned that I could befriend a pastor, that pastors aren’t perfect, and that he was definitely the right choice for our congregation.
When my pastor and his family came back a few weeks after that trip to move here, I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. Unfortunately, I was off to Bethel University only to return on weekends. Fortunately, those weekends have been spent more with my pastor’s family than with my own.
Now that I am home for the summer, I am realizing how blessed I am to have these people in my life. Seeing them for only a few minutes is a blessing in my life. I’m not sure why I am choosing to share this, but I do know that I love my pastor and his family very much and they are the biggest blessing in my life right now.
I breathe in the scent of cigarette, dust and “white lavender and sandlewood twist” Snuggle (whatever that is). I collapse headfirst onto all 4800 inches of empty bed real estate and run my fingers over the freshly washed sheets. I hear a pattering of footsteps on the stairs just before the cutest boy in the world tackles me. I roll over suddenly and hold him in a tight snuggle.
Today, I left Bethel for three months. I cried. I have made awesome friendships this year and grown in ways I never thought possible. I am going to miss those girls. I am too emotional to write about it without crying. I need a post for today, so this is it. Deal with it.
My eyelids feel like a thousand pounds as I fight desperately to keep them open. My dry and scratchy eyeballs want nothing more than to have rest behind the thin skin starting to drop over them.
The large, graying man strolls back and forth like a pendulum–or a hypnotist–in the front of the small room and I can feel his eyes burning a hole in my forehead. His voice drones on and on and I realize it is not even monotone and the topic he is lecturing on isn’t even all that boring.
The little boy of six cowers in the corner as his father bursts through the door after a long day at work. The boy knows what is coming and is sure to hide well behind the couch and tall potted tree. As his father enters the living room, his mother stumbles in from the kitchen. She stands unsteadily with a glass of clear liquid that the boy knows is not water. His daddy takes two steps forward and lifts the heavy briefcase in his hand high enough to
The fact of life is we all face doubt and stress; the key is to trust God enough to believe He will rid us of both in brief periods of time so we may see that He works through both.
Sara Scribbles 