Noise

i heard a noise in this darkness;

a noise which instilled the fear of death.

which got me thinking:

my joints hurt a bit;

there are white hairs on my head;

high school has come and gone;

college has come and will soon pass.

“i too shall pass” says my life.

You Cannot Be Replaced

Today is the last day of National Suicide Prevention Week. I’ve been trying to figure out what–if anything–to post for this week. After all, as many of you know, I’ve somehow lived through enough suicide attempts and ideations to fill several books.

Here’s the truth: Life really sucks. It does. Life is hard. Really. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or deny the truth, because then every thought that follows will be following a lie and, by default, be a lie.

But you can make it through. You can. Really. I’m not going to sugarcoat it or deny the truth, because then every thought that follows will be following a lie and, by default, be a lie.

What most people don’t understand is that every day is a war and that every morning we get out of bed is a battle won and every time we smile is a battle won and every hour that we’re alive is a battle won.

I’ve dealt with depression and manic depression (bipolar) for at least half of my life. I’ve only been medicated for a very short period within that time. I know what it’s like to want to die. I know what it’s like to not want to wake up in the morning. I know what it’s like to be literally seconds from death by my own hands–more than once.

And I lived through it.

I don’t know how I’ve lived through it, but I have. And I know you can live through it, too.

There aren’t many things I can tell you to make you want to live.

I can tell you that tomorrow isn’t going to be magically better just because you decide today that you’ll keep living. I can tell you that it’s going to be a long, rough road to recovery. I can tell you that depression has no cure, but only treatment. I can tell you that it usually takes a long time to find the right treatment–and it usually comes with side effects.

But I can also tell you that you need to keep trying. I can tell you that you need to keep living.

You need to keep living. You need to live for the people around you. Even if you think no one cares, remember that you have parents, friends, co workers, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings, that-one-stranger-that-you-seem-to-keep-seeing-everywhere. There are people who care. And even if you think there isn’t anyone who cares, you’re still wrong. I care.

Yes, I care. Even if you’re a complete stranger who somehow tripped and fell face-first into this blog. I care about people. I especially care about people who are plagued with mental disorders. I am always open to talking with anyone about said disorders–or to talking anyone down from a bridge, or from pulling the trigger, or from driving head-first into a semi.

If you have no friends to talk to, no pastor to turn to, no parents to convince, and you feel like there’s no one else to call, call on me. Message me on this blog, email me at sjr2010[at]gmail.com, find me on Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr. If you don’t even think you can talk to me, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at  1-800-273-8255.

You are worth it.

You cannot be replaced.

Live to breathe another day.

Fight the war that is this life.

Beast

There is something in your eyes,

I’ve never seen it before.

At first I thought it madness,

When you were at the door;

instead

a note will never be enough
nothing i say will ever ease the pain
these thoughts
these obsessions
they don’t matter
because they are an absolute end
an end i’ll never be able to explain
a hurt no one will ever understand
my only reason is that i cannot leave
without a proper explanation
but that can never be given

so i will write this poem
instead of two dozen notes

so i will recite this poem
instead of three dozen ways

so i will share this poem
instead of infinite pain

Depression

What people don’t understand is that every day is a war and that every morning I get out of bed is a battle won and every time I smile is a battle won and every hour that I’m alive is a battle won.

back

Looking back on my life
Looking back on the month
I changed so much
I wouldn’t trade it for so much

I’ve lived my moments
And I love my days
My God has pulled through
I’m singing praise to You

Through all the ups and downs
I’ve become so different
They’ve both taught me joy
Or that joy comes in the morning

Looking back on my life
I wouldn’t trade it for anything

doughnuts

This short story was written on request from my good friend Hayley. I spent about twenty minutes writing it. I hope you like it, my dear. 

“The chocolate-filled one.” I pointed to the oblong doughnut in the case. “That’s the one he’d pick.” I added in a whisper.

“Excuse me?” The teenager behind the counter stopped mid-reach.

“Oh, nothing. Yes, the chocolate-filled one.”

“Yes, ma’am. That’ll be one dollar and fifty six cents.” He handed me my doughnut as I handed him two dollar bills.

“Keep the change, boy. You should start a tip jar.” I grabbed a paper bag from the counter and wrapped the pastry. The doughnut wasn’t for me.

I strolled home, thinking of all the places my husband could be at that moment. Probably screwing his secretary on his desk or perhaps he was with the tall blonde intern in the bathroom. It didn’t much matter at this point.

multiples

It is difficult
to have two lives

Sometimes, I forget
when to be who
where to be who

One me is dark
distant
mean
hurtful

One me seems joyful
happy
caring
helpful

Both me’s are
a wreck
fighting for my life
hurting

I know which should win
but which will
is another story

Really,
the story shouldn’t change
based on the setting

the characters
the plot
the conflict
it should all stay the same

Stability is not easy to attain

fortress

When the clock strikes twelve I feel like I’m turning into another.
How could I ever be who I am?

This darkness has found a fortress in my mind
and what’s inside me isn’t so simple
and I guess what is there is there for the taking.

As it creeps around me
and as the music flows in
the background becomes the forefront

friendship

Friendship
So easily gained
lost
gained
lost